I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
