The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
