My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
