remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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