I feel great
I just peed on a car
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
