Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
