Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
