Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
