i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
