you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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