god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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