I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
