Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
