Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
