soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
