between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And then he peed in my hair
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