new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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