It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
