i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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