I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
