I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
