I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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