if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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