You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
