Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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