just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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