what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
