Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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