just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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