Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
