One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
