My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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