I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
