I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
