If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
