I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The uberlube is also flammable
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
