If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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