R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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