like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
