Swine flu. Run for my life!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
