Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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