so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
