Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
