I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
