I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
