he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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