I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
