it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
