I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
