i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
